Donnasblog

So, I got caught up in the myth.  My (and probably a lot of other people’s myth) that I am too busy, I have too much on my plate, and that I am happy with the way that I look.  LIES….ALL LIES!!  I tell myself this to make me feel better about not being able to get the nice clothes that I REALLY want to buy.  I tell myself that it is my kids’ dad’s fault because if he would just send some child support, maybe I could afford a gym membership.  I tell myself that my main focus is on my daughters, and to be a good mom I have to sacrifice my looks and body, especially because they don’t have a father.  I tell myself these things, and I know they are all LIES. 

It’s like that really bad relationship that almost everyone has.  You listen to the other person lie right to your face and you believe them because, well, because you want SO BADLY for it all to be true.  That little voice in the back of your head screams out to you to STOP listening.  To shut that little voice up, I usually shove its mouth full of ice cream only to have it yell louder at me once the container is empty.

I have to do this because I want to see my daughters grow up with a mom that they aren’t embarrassed to have around.  I want to do this because I want them to see their mom accomplish yet another thing that was REALLY hard to do.

Most importantly, I want to do this because that voice, the voice of the “skinny me” is balling her eyes out right now.  She’s lonely, I can tell. 

So, yeah, I am back.  I don’t know if this will last or not.  I had a pretty good run last time, maybe this time it will work.  I think we have all said that before, “Maybe this time it will work…”. 

Here are my promises to myself:

1.  I will not beat myself up when I stumble a little bit.

2.  I will not starve myself to lose the weight. 

3.  I will eat healthy food and will allow myself a “treat” every now and then.

4.  I will not give up.  If it doesn’t work this time, it may the next.  Lottery winners usually don’t win after buying just one ticket.

5.  I will continue to be honest with myself. 

6.  I will be proud of my small accomplishments.  Like today, when I went out to eat and put half of my food in a to-go package before I began eating.

7.  I will slow down.  Rome wasn’t built in a day, and some of these pounds will have to wait a month or two or six to go.  They aren’t going anywhere and neither am I.

8.  I will excersize at least three times a week, even if it just means taking a walk around the block.  I need to meet the neighbors, anyway.

9.  I will play outside more with the girls.  They love it and I love it that they love it.  Besides, it makes them go to sleep earlier.

10.  I will start focusing on what I love about myself, even if it is as small as my eyes or as large as my boobs.  (Please tell me they don’t shrink when you lose weight!!!)

So, there it is.  I am back.  I am ready.  I will lose this weight one little pound by one little pound.

So, my “friend” and I finally called it quits.  Big deal, right?  Thought I could handle it, but I didn’t do a very good job.  I ended up right back where I started.  One good point, I didn’t gain a ton of weight.   But, then my back started to hurt.  The kind of hurt that makes your knees buckle and you can’t walk because it hurts SO bad.  So, I went to the chiropracter (sp?).

God, is he HOT.  He said in the nicest way possible that I have to lose some weight.  Of course I know that already, but there is something about a good-looking guy who has your best interests at heart telling you to drop a few pounds. 

So, here I am….again.  But, looking at the weight loss I had a couple months ago, and the hellafied pain in my back, I figure I may as well try.

Damn, those doughnuts were good, though.  Too bad I had to throw them out.  I will definitely miss McDonalds, too. 

Besides, I have to lose a lot of weight by Janurary.  My friend is getting back from Iraq….LOL  I am sure you all know how it goes.

Please, please, please don’t let me jump off again! 

Here goes nothing……

So, I went out with “my guy” last night.  Up here in Wisconsin, EVEYRONE was watching the “big game”.  Since I am a Colts fan, a TRUE Hoosier, born and bred, I didn’t really care.  (Even though they lost tonight and are out of the play-offs, I love my boy Peyton.)  But, it was a lot of fun, and thank God sex counts towards weight loss in my book, cuz I for sure wasn’t gonna work out!  LOL

Here is the weird thing, one of my supervisors called me up.  She was out, too, and wanted to hang for a little while, and we did.  She was wasted, and all over me!  I was kinda worried I was making a big deal out of nothing, until my guy friend was like, “I think she likes you!”  I was like, “You noticed it, too?”  Wierd.

Oh well.  What can I say?  I guess even “big girls” are hot, too!  LOL.  My last female supervisor was like that, too.  She actually told me she liked me.  Maybe I give off vibes or something…..

Oh.  Well.  My “b/f” got a kick out of it. 

Other than that, I kinda ignored the whole diet thing this weekend.  I mean, I ate healthy, but didn’t really excersize.  And, tomorrow I start the new postition, so I may work out, I may not.  Who knows.  I may just step on the scale and see what the damage is.  Hopefully not too much. 

Will definitely be back on track tomorrow.  Life was too much fun this weekend to be anal about what I was eating.  However my daughter’s birthday is tomorrow, so that will be the REAL test.  Birthday cake. 

Okay, I stepped on the scale.  Two pounds down since Wednesday.  Not too bad, right?

Who am I kidding?  I will definitely be working out tomorrow.  LOL  At least it’s not up.  Gotta stay positive, you know? 

(Reading back over this, I sound like I have ADD!  Grin.  Sorry!)

It’s a line on a Blue October song, Razorblade.  Just couldn’t shake the bad mood I was in.  I decided to let go and give myself a break and letting go of all pressure.  Oh.  And taking the Christmas lights down.  ;) 

My goals for the next week are:

A.  To not let the jealous bitches I work with bring me down.  They are pissed because I “took” their friends job.  Seriously, people I don’t even know at my “new” store know ALL about me, about personal things!  (where I live, single parent, college, etc)   WTF??   Besides, my bosses say I am gonna move up in the company, and that’s all that matters, right?  I didn’t ask for the promotion, it was GIVEN to me.  Yes, I have only worked there a couple of months, but evidentally I have proven myself.  SCREW THEM!

B.  I am not gonna let the on-again/off-again relationship  dictate my life anymore, or stress myself out about it.  He actually hung up on me for not commiting to going out next week.  If he can’t be excited for me, I don’t need it.  SCREW HIM!!

C.  I am not Super Mom.  My kids need to learn to occupy themselves.  I am not the super-bestfriend/ entertainment/ maid/taxi/bank/candy and cookie factory.  What the hell did I buy all those toys for?  SCREW THAT!!

D.  If I need a night off, I WILL NOT feel guilty for taking it.  I am a busy woman.  I deserve to vege infront of the TV every now and then without feeling guilty about dirty dishes in the sink, or the fact that my daughters room looks like crap.  So what?  SCREW IT!!

So, tonight, I let go.  I am not going to burden myself anymore with other people’s bull shit.  The “Office Girls” can kiss my ass.  My “whatever you want to call him” isn’t going to get a phone call becaus I am too tired to argue right now.  The girls will have to play nicely by themselves for a while tomorrow.  And, the dishes probably won’t get clean until noon tomorrow.  I DO have to take the Christmas lights down, though.  Stupid neighborhood ordanance.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.  I highly suggest letting go and saying, “Screw this!!!”

Today was one of those days where I was doing the old “fake it till’ you make it”.  It’s like I could burst into tears at any moment.  I am SO sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I am beat down from always being “on top of my game”.  I am EXHAUSTED!  WHEN DOES IT ALL END?!?!

Work is getting more stressful by the minute.  I have to work in a store that isn’t making any money, and bust my butt until it AT LEAST breaks even.  Trying to plan marketing strategies, get my stuff ready, and go is like the typical, “Hurry up and wait” game.  It’s gonna mean LONG hours and late nights, a lot of sacrifice on the company and my part, and a bigger pay check.    I want to impress everyone.  I say “Yes” before I even know what the question is.  It’s not that they are expecting miracles.  I am.  Hopefully it happens.

The girls got a hold of the sizzors last night, so after work I had to zoom to the daycare, pick up the girls, and get their hair cut.  Anyone with kids knows what a freaking JOY that is…..FOR TWO HOURS?!?!  Their hair wasn’t bad to begin with, so I  told the lady, “I don’t care what you do with it, but could you layer the choppy parts in?”  I thought that it would be a relatively simple task.  Nope.  She cut for an hour each, talking about how much “fun” it was to have “carte blanche”.  I was sitting there like, “Yea.  Great.  Get the hair cut, lady.  I’m hungry.”

SO, after that, I had to make the perilous trip to Mikey D’s because it was WAY past dinner time.  Yes, I was good and got a salad.  Yes, I tripped a little and got a small fry.  But, it was a SMALL fry.  And, it tasted damn good.

Then, I get home with the food, and there is a MOUNTAIN of laundary to do, plus the house looks like a earthquake shook everything out of place.  I wanted to cry when I walked through the door and REALLY looked around.  It has taken me until now to restore some semblance of order around here. 

So, at this VERY second, the girls are CLEAN and in bed, the mountain is becomming a mole hill, the house is SILENT, and I am so tired I could cry.  Suck thing is that tomorrow may not be EXACTLY like today, but damn similar.  

Some how, some way, I will find the strength to go downstairs to the workout room and do my 30 minutes.   I just want ONE DAY where I don’t feel like I am speeding through the day.  ONE DAY where there aren’t a million things to do.  ONE DAY where I can look at someone else and say, “You do it.”  ONE DAY where I can be weak, tired, and vaunerable.  Is that too much to ask?    

My boss, Bill, is great.  You know the type, bends over backwards for his employees, doesn’t bull shit (and, if he does you can totally tell), and is cool as long as I have good numbers.  (I work in Marketing and Sales, EVERYTHING is based on numbers).  I mean, I asked for full time hours, and not only did he do that, he made it so I got to pick my schedule (indespencable to a single mom!!)!  Seriously, I may not LOVE my job all the time, but I LOVE where I work and who I work with.  A lot of that has to do with having such a wonderful boss.  (Yea, I know I am totally kissing ass, but how am I supposed to know he will NEVER read this….)

Sadly, I am still gonna have to wipe the floor with him.  No offense to him, but when I enter into any competition, I HAVE to win.  Just another addiction of mine, along with the gazillion others that I have or have had.

This is what happened:

Two weeks ago, when I started this, I told people I work with that I am trying to lose weight.  He was like, ”That’s awesome, I am trying to lose weight, too.”  I was thinking, ”We can encourage each other!”  

NOT! 

Fast forward to today.

When I found out that I had lost 8 pounds in 10 days, I was estatic.  Sadly, no one noticed because I cut my hair and wore it down….it’s usually up in a pony tail.  So, yea, I was walking around like, ”I lost weight!  I lost weight!”  Everyone was like, “Okay.  Nice hair!”

Stupid hair cut.

I emailed Bill the new hours I could work (I am a REAL employee now, after all!) at a different store.  I also added in the email what I thought was my amazing weight loss.  Went to talk to him in the office.  Some “higher up’s” are learning from him,(he’s a GENIUS when it comes to selling), and was introduced, and they talked about my job and how well I do.  (Not to brag, but I am the SHIT at my job.  *Bill, if you ARE reading this, you KNOW it’s true!)

Then, after meeting everyone, I asked if he got my email.

He was like, “Yea.  Good job.  Go talk to Susan about your hours.”

I was like, “Good job?!?  Bill, I have been busting my butt for the past two weeks, and all you can say is good job?!?”

He gave me one of his smiles.  You know the ones, like, “I’m humoring you right now, get out.”

Then, damned me for doing it, I asked, “Well, how much have you lost?”

He SMIRKED and said, “Twenty pounds.”

Are you freaking kidding me?!

Of course, I can’t keep my mouth shut, and said, “You don’t even excersize!  That was all water weight.  I bet I will lose more than you next week.”

Bill laughed and said, “That will be the day.  Why don’t we put a scale in here and each week weight in?”

My cop out was that a lady never reveals her weight. 

Okay, it wasn’t a cop out, cuz everyone in the room laughed.

So, now I have to work even harder.  I have to beat him!  Partly because it’s my nature to compete and partly because he is (almost) always right, so much so that it can be really unnerving and frustrating. 

Then, I was looking to buy an XBox for my friend, took my co-worker with me, and was told by the guys at Best Buy that there are no more XBoxes in Wisconsin!!  Like, all of the good ones are gone and NO STORE HAS THEM!!  Only the crappy Arcade ones!  I didn’t even know that there are different kinds!!  So, as a thank-you for comming with me, I invited my co-worker to lunch.  He suggested Olive Garden. 

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

What is it with people around me and pasta?  Am I cursed or something?  It’s because I’m Italian, isn’t it? 

I ate salad, a breadstick, and two meat balls.  YUM!

On the flip side, I got a full time position, money, and can put off buying a $500 video game system until whenever the manufacturer decides to make more and ship em’ up here. 

Oh, and I guess I have a cute hair cut.  At least, that is the general concensus. 

Hope everyone has a happy Thursday.  I have to go to bed to prepare to face Bill tomorrow….

Stupid bet.

Seriously.  Got home from class (stupid Economics…BOOO!).  Picked up a healthy dinner on the way home.  Decided that I SHOULD work out.  Stepped in the door and my father (who babysits the girls when I go to school) had made spaghetti and cantaloni (or however you spell it!)!!!  I looked at him and yelled, “Oh!  Are you kidding me?”  He laughed and said he “forgot” I was losing weight. 

Is there any calories in smelling food?  It smells like an Italian Bistro in here!  LOL

I made him pack it up.  No way am I gonna sit in this house with it.  The cookies yelled, “Eat me!”, am scared the spaghetti will come up and beat the crap outta me!  LOL.  Why, oh why, do I get the parents who cook Italian food SO good???

Okay, probably because we ARE Italian, but STILL.  Can’t they just make grilled cheese for the girls, like everyone elses grandparents?  NO.  I get the parents who make every fattening Italian dish in the planet, along with HOME MADE ICE CREAM!  It’s like back-lash!  Growing up, we NEVER got that stuff!  Hell, if there was a 2 liter of coke in the fridge, it was a BIG deal at our house.  Now, they can’t wait to pile the junk into my kids when I am not looking.  How is this supposed to be fair?  

Sigh.  Like my mom says, payback is a bitch.  Guess I shouldn’t hae been such a wild child.  Stupid parties.

Oh, well, I have to go and work out.  My fat ass isn’t getting any smaller blogging about how unfair life is.  

Hope everyone else has a great night.   

I have lost 5 pounds in 5 days!!  SHUT UP!(I mean that in a good way)  :)  Never in a million years would I have thought this would work so well!  This is awesome! 

I know that this would have never happened if everyone that I have spoken to hadn’t been SO understanding and wonderful.  It is amazing to me that people out there know what I am going through, empathize, and have a “been there, done that, and this is how I survived” attitude. 

Seriously, I haven’t lost weight in 3 years, since the birth of my youngest daughter.  Since then, I have done nothing but maintain and gain. 

THANK YOU!!!

By the way, has anyone else tried pilates?  I have done it a couple of times, and am not too impressed.  What’s up with it?  Am I supposed to not feel like I have just worked out after?  Does it even work? 

Have a great day, ya’ll!  Mine is AWESOME! 

Okay, last night I almost caved.   The cookies were calling to me.  I blogged, I took a shower, I knitted, I did homework (still don’t understand it, but whatever), and they still were there.  I paced infront of the cookie jar….does that count as excersize?  Never mind.  But, I did it!!  I didn’t eat them.

I put them into the garbage disposal. 

I am laughing as I write this.  It was PATHETIC!  I called my sister, who is also trying to lose weight, right before I did it.  She asked if I had been drinking.  LOL.  Come to think of it, she asks me that a lot….

Anyway, my daughter did the gymnastics thing tonight for the first time.  There were a lot of psycho-moms there.  I mean, we live in bum freaking Egypt, Wisconsin!  I wanted to scream, “Do ya really think that what your four year old does this moment really determines their Olympic dreams?”  I was just happy my kid didn’t throw a fit or act like a knob…..

Such a good mom, eh?

Today was relatively easy.  I was starving all day, but ate my apple and ignored the vending machine.  Honestly, there is nothing in that stupid thing that even looked tempting.  Probably because I made a concious effort to IGNORE it.  Got home, but had to rush out the door for the gymnastics thing.  Ignored the vending machine there.  Came home and had plain pasta.  I know, I know, CARBS!  But, really, it was the only thing I had in the fridge that would fill me up without making me feel like I weighed a TON…..

No sauce, though.  All I had was the “emergency” jar stuff.  Keep it on hand forthe girls “quick” dinners.  Can’t stomach it.  Guess it’s an Italian thing.

Am contemplating my work out tomorrow.  I can either do it before class, in which I will be tired all during class, or I can do it after class, at 11pm.  What should I do?  I know that I HAVE to do it, slacking is not an option cuz if I do it once, I have an excuse. 

Hope everyone else has a good night.  Funny, I am not hungry.  Weird.  This eating healthy and working out stuff hs me all different!  I LOVE IT!

I am sitting in the kitchen, on the computer, and less than 10 steps away are the “left over” cookies I made yesterday.  They are yelling out, “Eat me!  You know you want to!”  It’s the makings of a REALLY BAD after school special.  Like the one where Zach dates the “big girl” and his friends make fun of him, then he dates her anyway because the moral of the story is that size doesn’t matter, only (unexplainably) he is dating Kelly in the next episode.  Ex-”Saved By the Bell” fans know what I am talking about.  I just got done working out, and I passed them by about twenty times in between giving the girls a bath, getting them ready for bed, and walking to the computer.  At one point, I had the cookie jar lid open, and I had one in my hand.  All of the sudden, I thought, “What the hell am I doing?  I just busted my butt for the past forty-five minutes, and for what?  I will NOT eat these!”  But, it’s like putting a scotch infront of an alcoholic and telling them, “Don’t drink that!” 

HELP ME!  They look so good, but I know that I am NOT hungry, and that I ate a not-so-good lunch, I actually skipped dinner because it was more like a lunch-dinner thing.  I know you’re not SUPPOSED to do that, but I don’t want to eat more than 1,500 calories a day….I am at 1,497.  DAMN!  Stupid Perkins.  Stupid wrap.  Stupid french fries (even though I only ate half a small order, I STILL ate them, you know?).  Stupid cookies.  Stupid weight.

Yum!  Water.  SO SATISFYING RIGHT NOW…..NOT!  At least it will fill me up. 

So, I am blogging to keep my hands busy.  Next is homework.  Next is knitting.  Next is a shower.  Anything to keep myself busy.  Heck, I may even work out again.

Okay, I’m not THAT desparate.  Grin.

Will it always be like this?  What if I lose the weight and always am addicted to food?  Will I have to excersize EVERY NIGHT for the rest of my life?  What happens when I am like 80 years old?  How in the world will I weight lift then?  How will I do jumping jacks or stomach crunches?  GASP!  What if I am stuck in a nursing home with no hottie orderly guys?  Or worse, WHAT IF I AM STUCK IN A NURSING HOME WITH HOTTIE ORDERLY GUYS AND I AM A FAT MESS WITHOUT A DIME TO LURE THEM INTO MARRYING ME?????  So much to worry about.  LOL..

Tomorrow is REALLY busy.  I have to rush home from work to get the girls from the sitter, get them home and my oldest into her gymanstic uniform (her first class, she is SO excited!), go to her class, rush home, get dinner on the table (which will be over an hour late because of her class), get the girls in bed, work out, do homeowork, and go to bed.  Seriously, Moms out there, how in the world do you do it??  It is gonna be a real struggle to find something that is healthy to put on the table, for sure. 

Hopefully everyone is having a great night!  Talk to ya’ll later.  Hopefully, not a sob story……